I’m struggling with how to put my feeling into words…While I choose positivity, to see the good in people, and the silver lining in a crappy situation, sometimes I need a moment to feel the deep sorrow, outrage, and pain. By momentarily embracing those feelings, I gain the strength to rise up.

Recently, I was feeling heartbroken about yet another police shooting of a black man, Jacob Blake, and the resulting protests, riots and murder of two protesters by a white teenager, Kyle Rittenhouse, who was allowed to walk away from the scene in WI. Also by the senseless ambush of two LA police officers shot while sitting in their car on duty. I feel torn by the mix of feelings of understanding the privilege I have in my life because my skin color hasn’t made my life harder, the importance of defending and supporting the Black and minority communities to live in a fair and equal society, and the importance of respecting the laws, police, and justice system who’s job it is to protect the citizens and uphold these laws. These deep and intense feelings come on like a tidal wave crashing upon my psyche and I’m powerless to get out of the way. After the wave of emotions crashes I have a choice, you have a choice, we have a choice.

You can choose denial and turn inward to avoid dealing with the reality of the situation and your feelings. This is temporary and sooner or later you’ll be forced to confront it. You can’t stay here - the truth will eventually rise to the surface whether or not you want it to. Alternatively, you can choose to let the hurt, anger, sorrow and hopelessness drag you down into darkness and despair.

The hurt and the pain can entangle you in its tendrils while winding tighter; pulling you downward. Maybe you can’t get out of bed or maybe you’re numb. Regardless, you feel so deeply hurt that you can’t see a path forward. When you’re in that place, the idea of moving on to find acceptance, happiness, or anything is at odds with the pain that feels uncomfortable and wrong. I want you to know that when you are hurt, healing is a choice. Time certainly heals by giving you the space to lessen the intensity of your feeling and gain additional perspective. However, it’s not the only way. Alternatively, you can always choose healing for your own self protection and self-care. Here’s what this looks like for me.

1. Acceptance of the situation - Here you acknowledge the situation exists, you do not judge whether you agree or disagree with the situation. By focusing on the situation and removing judgment you see it as it exists, you perceive it as it is, and you’re freed to see more options.

2. Acknowledge what you can or cannot be control - It’s human nature to want to be in control of a situation, but often that’s not the case and we’re simply impacted by the actions of others. Rather than spending time and energy focused on what you can’t control, focus on the reality of the situation and what you can control (even it that’s only your reaction to the situation).

3. Consider your options & choose a path - Key point being your options as you can’t control the attitude or actions of others, but you can consider how they may effect you and your reactions. I can choose take actions to protect my mental and physical health (for me, often it’s prioritizing the attitudes and behaviors that make me feel my best and leaning into those).

4. Be present and don’t dwell - When we spend our limited time and energy agonizing about the past, we’re robbed of the opportunity to be in the present. I struggle with this one the most as it’s easy to think about the “what if” or how you could have done something differently or ruminate on “why” that situation happened. Instead, ask “Is this thought helpful for me?”, “Can I take action on this?” or “Is this something I need to worry about now?” When the answer is ‘No’, then accept and move one.

I share this as someone who has let the downward spiral of hurt and hopelessness keep me down in the depths of my own despair. Having lived in my own nightmare loop of pain that bled into other areas of my life and impacted those around me, I’m conscious of actively managing my emotions and mental health. I hope this helps you in during this challenging time to move forward.

Additionally, if you don’t mind sharing, what’s helped you cope when you’re hurt? How have you been able to move forward?